So
you’ve seen Tiny Tim say “God bless us, everyone” so often you’ve turned
Satanist. You know the exact number of
times that Joe Pesci would’ve died in real life from Kevin McAllister’s torture
in the first two Home Alone movies,
and every time a bell rings all you get is annoyed. Believe me, I’m with you. If you’re like me and just can’t take seeing
a young Natalie Wood pull Kris Kringle’s whiskers again, here are some
alternatives to cure that Christmas Movie Fatigue.
The Ref
(1994) - Denis
Leary – angry, loud, fast-talking Denis Leary before the Ice Age films – stars in this black comedy about a very
dysfunctional family in the suburbs (including Kevin Spacey and Christine
Baranski) being taken hostage by a jewel thief on Christmas Eve. In 93 minutes it manages to poke fun at
suburbia, entitled teens, local law enforcement, high-maintenance
mothers-in-law and marriage. If you’ve
ever wanted to tell a loved one’s parent “I know loan sharks that are more
forgiving than you,” this is one to watch.
Scrooged
(1988) - Frank
Cross (Bill Murray) is a mean-spirited but highly successful network executive,
happy to make others miserable until his old business associate comes back from
the grave to warn him of visits by three ghosts to help him see the wrong of
his ways. Sound familiar? It’s because Scrooged is a (very refreshing) update of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. He’s supported by an all-star cast, including
Karen Allen, Carol Kane, Robert Mitchum and Bobcat Goldthwait. Clearly a comedy cast, director Richard
Donner (The Goonies, Lethal Weapon)
delivers a hilarious look at a modern-day Ebenezer Scrooge that manages one of
the best closing monologues in film history.
Trading
Places (1983) - Wall
Street milquetoast Louis Winthorpe III (Dan Aykroyd) and con man Billy Ray
Valentine (Eddie Murphy) are the unwitting pawns in a life-switching experiment
by Winthorpe’s multimillionaire bosses, the Duke Brothers. Just in time for Christmas, Winthorpe finds
himself on the streets, framed for drug dealing, penniless and befriended only
by a prostitute (Jamie Lee Curtis) while Valentine suddenly lives the high life
with a private chef and chauffeur. Dan
Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy are at the top of their game, working adult humor into
this dark comedy directed by John Landis (Animal
House, The Blues Brothers).
Bad
Santa (2003) - “If I’d
have known this is how my life would turn out, I would have killed myself a
long time ago. Come to think of it I
still might.” In this pitch-black comedy
from director Terry Zwigoff (Crumb, Ghost
World), Billy Bob Thornton is a robber posing as a mall Santa. Together with his elf (Tony Cox, Oz: The Great and Powerful), each year
they work a new mall, entertaining kids by day and casing the joint by
night. Thornton’s addictions to booze
and sex occasionally get in the way of him mooching food and shelter off a
lonely bullied child, but the kid brings out some Christmas goodness in him and
his girlfriend, a bartender with a Santa sex fetish. This is likely not one for the kiddies.
The
Nightmare Before Christmas (1993) - Tim
Burton and director Henry Selick bring this stop-motion classic to life with
songs by Danny Elfman. Jack Skellington
is the de facto leader of Halloweentown, scaring kids worldwide, but he’s grown
bored with his repetitive task and tries to bring Christmas to his spooky
village instead. Beautiful for its
entire 76-minute run, it works great for kids, with themes about trying to be
something you aren’t and learning to embrace yourself for who you are. Selick went on to direct James and the Giant Peach and Coraline,
while his animation studio also created Paranorman
and The Boxtrolls.
Love
Actually (2003) - A
romantic comedy? Really? Yes, really.
I was a real naysayer on this until I agreed to watch it, and now I’m
converted. An ensemble cast including
Liam Neeson, Hugh Grant, Martin Freeman, Colin Firth and Keira Knightley lead
this series of interwoven stories of romance, drama and humor in England on the
week of Christmas. On the funny side of
things, a bachelor decides to book a plane ticket to America based solely on
the presumption that American women love a British accent; an aging and jaded
rock star (Bill Nighy) stuck in the machine of the celebrity industry takes
outrageous steps to stay relevant in an age obsessed with boy bands (“Don’t buy
drugs, kids…become a rock star and people will give them to you for free!”); a
male and female body double for adult movies meet and make shy small talk while
in the most suggestive poses/actions. At
the same time, a middle-aged man (Alan Rickman, Harry Potter) has trouble staying with his prickly wife (Emma
Thompson) when a young co-worker expresses her feelings for him; a new bride
(Keira Knightley) discovers that her new husband’s best friend (The Walking Dead’s Andrew Lincoln) is in
love with her and it may cost him his friendship with the couple. Love
Actually is a bit cutesy at times, but a pretty tight movie.
A
Christmas Story (1983) - An
official Red Ryder carbine-action two-hundred shot range model air rifle. This is all that Ralph Parker, a
nine-year-old boy, wants for Christmas: a BB gun. Non-fiction writer Jean Shepherd (who also
narrates the film) brings us this amazing holiday story in the vein of NPR’s This American Life. Ralph is a kid in the Midwest growing up
post-World War II and this film runs him through the gauntlet of experiences
that childhood and Christmas are made of.
A mouthful of soap for cursing, mom bundling her kids up in too many
layers, seeing someone get their tongue stuck to a frozen pole on a dare,
hideous homemade Christmas outfits from a crazy relative – it’s all in there.
National
Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989) - Only a
little gentler than The Ref, the
original National Lampoon movies starred Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo as
Clark and Ellen Griswold, a slightly dysfunctional Chicagoland couple with a
son and daughter. In Christmas Vacation, Clark deals with
hosting his parents, in-laws, brother’s family and uncle for the holidays. Of course nobody appreciates Clark slowly
losing it while desperately clinging to Christmas traditions, leading to some
pretty crazy moments. Aside from the
60-second insult Clark spins at his boss at the end of the movie (If you don’t
YouTube it, you’re basically a bad human being), there are scenes like Clark’s
senile aunt being asked to say the blessing over their dinner and in return
reciting the pledge of allegiance.
Elf
(2003) - Elf is a Will Ferrell movie for people
who don’t like Will Ferrell. Ferrell is
at his best as Buddy, a human raised by elves at the North Pole. Bob Newhart plays his adoptive elf father,
while James Caan is his real father, Ed Asner is Santa Claus and Zooey Deschanel
is Ferrell’s love interest. Buddy learns
he’s a human – and not just an elf twice the size of all his friends – in his
thirties and goes to find his real father, a cranky children’s book publisher. Jon Favreau directs while Buddy learns to be
a person, often the hard way – including getting in a fistfight with a mall
Santa for calling him out on not being the real Santa (“You sit on a throne of
lies!”). Seeing Peter Dinklage beat
Buddy up for calling Dinklage an elf is worth the price of admission on its
own.
