Prototypes for Steve.

So, in light of the recent revelation of the iPad to accompany the iPod and iPhone, I've been working on a few other product ideas the Apple folks might want to consider for their 2011 line. And before you accuse me of plagiarism, as I've no doubt people much cleverer than I have come up with this idea already, I'd like you to take it on faith that I have not Googled any of these and, as far as I know, I've conjured them entirely independently.

iPoe - Now, instead of buying an entire poem by infamous English writer Edgar Allen Poe, you can purchase and download selected lines from his most famous works without all the hassle of reading for more than a few seconds at a time. It's the same idea as how the iPod works with iTunes, only this would be for your iPad. Mmm, I can see the menus now... "Once Upon - Buy $0.99; As I Pondered - Buy $0.99," etc. I think it works well. Since songs are meant to be part of a cohesive project - the album - so too can couplets be orphaned from their parent work.

The INS iPid - This could be marketed specifically at the United States Immigration bureau like a little handheld database for identifying legal and illegal aliens. It would be like an iPod Touch but instead of scrolling through albums and song titles, the officer could scroll through names with photo ID's to compare whoever they're in front of with a Social Security Number, current US Passport information, etc. Should I take a bribe of $100 not to bring someone in who may or may not be a fully-documented legal citizen of the US? Yeah, there's an app for that.

iPoo - If it's one thing I've learned from celebrity news shows and TMZ, it's that Tom Cruise's baby's meconium is of vital importance to me, as was the time the girl on Flavor of Love got drunk and shat upon Flava Flav's carpet. Now with iPoo, I can keep track of celebrities' fecal matter in real-time like the Texts From Last Night iPhone app. Thanks, iPoo; I knew you'd take notice that Gwyneth Paltrow's baby's name is Apple.

iPud - You know how it looks when you're sitting at a table with your hands on your lap and texting? I think this joke has gone on long enough.

iPog - Ok, now this one is really genius. Apple's version of Pogs will run more cheaply and better than Microsoft's...but they only work with 10% of the available Pog surfaces out there. :(

iPot - So for 99 cents, you can take a monster-sized rip off a bong at one of Apple's patented Genius Bars, or $1.29 if you want to shotgun that hit to a friend. Apple's customer service reps will be available to teach you how to take your finger off the carb during normal business hours.

iPedo - I really do understand the recent efforts to have convicted sex offenders listed on local governments' websites and where they live so you can protect your kids from them. But when Justin Long endorses it and it becomes an iPhone app, it gets all light-hearted and cute and fun...just like the Alvin and the Chipmunks movies...which is also where you can find pedophiles.