Grammar School (Lesson One).

I read my share of e-mails, blogs, letters, posted notices and the like, and just between us, the grammar in this country is beginning to resemble something cavemen would use, or pick out of their shower drain if, in fact, they'd discovered how to irrigate water or run pipeline.

So, while I'm researching new topics about which to write, I'm just going to trot along here and help the entirety of my readership function more aptly as communicative human beings. I think I'll just take grammatical errors I see in my everyday life and point out their errors, explain how they err, illustrate the proper method and correct it. It's my little part in helping the human race get a little smarter instead of a little dumber.

The first lesson is to learn how to differentiate between "there," "their" and "they're." It may sound easy to you, but you have no idea how many people confuse them.

There is an adverb (a word that describes an action) usually implying a destination away from oneself, among other things. For example, in its most common definition, one might say "I think the napalm is over there" or "There aren't enough bottles of whiskey in this town for the both of us."

It is ONLY used to describe a physical destination, even if a vague one. One never writes "This is there problem" or "There going to kill us all!"

Their is a pronoun (a word that describes a person, place or thing) implying multiple parties' ownership of an object. "Is this their zombie?" "Yes, this zombie belongs to both of them - it is theirs."

It is absolutely NOT used as a substitute when one wishes to avoid the effort of saying "his or her." For example, "Jonny Lupsha has just updated their Facebook status!" This is wrong. It's just...bloody...wrong. There aren't two of me, and if there were we surely wouldn't share a Facebook status, as one of me would be in playing video games and the other would be at work cursing losing that video game / work coin toss. So we instead say "Jonny Lupsha has just updated his or her Facebook status!' or "his/her Facebook status!" If you like, you can say "her or his," but I find "his or her" rolls off the tongue more fluidly.

Finally, they're. When spelled "they're," they're is a contraction (shortened word) meaning "they are." This is most commonly mistaken with their, and I cannot stress enough how important their separation is. "They're" means "they are," and "their" indicates what group of people something belongs to. One writes, "They're the worst '60s revivalist group I've ever heard!" or "I don't care what they're doing; get them off my horse!"

We never, EVER write "This is they're lightsaber," or "What's they're phone number?" Every time you mix "their" and "they're," your favorite messiah cries.

More to come with every grievance I feel like filing.